Reflections, Erections on Four Years of Batman Speculation

Habitual viewings of bad Nicolas Cage movies on a weekly basis bring with them an inevitability of turning stale. Just like Batman. Well, maybe. After all, I’ve spent the better part of four years thinking (and SOMETIMES WRITING) about just what in the hell was going to happen after 2008. Three trailerbreakdowns were probably excessive, sure. Just be glad I didn’t keep that going with the “exclusive” Nokia one or the 37 TV Spots that have come out since. Fortunately, I can’t recall any ESPN tie-ins like Prometheus. Call me crazy but I have zero desire to listen to Jalen Rose tell me how a Ridley Scott film relates to Russell Westbrook’s double-double.

Sadly, the Majestic Wolf Blog wasn’t my first outlet for an exercise as futile as Bat-blogging (it’s a thing). My sophomoric ambitions jizzled into a thankfully now-defunct Batman sequel blog. As in, well, you get how sad that is. Too bad those whopping seven posts (count it) couldn’t hide from the powers of Google. Rereading douche “auteur” Davesie has made two observations very clear:

  1. Spring semester ’09 was more of a social desert than I chose to remember
  2. Having friends be damned, I was right about a lot!

A LOT! I’ve even screencapped the best bits so you could see how professional I’ve gotten after repeat senior years:

I’m surprised I wasn’t just calling him “Chris” given how much of an in I apparently had. Yeesh. Totally called Two Face biting the big one, though, and I bet I was a righteous dickwad to any naysayers: Bitch, please. If they wanted it to be “ambiguous,” Gordon wouldn’t have eulogized the shit out of that ending. And if anyone scrounges up a lost Facebook photo of “Chris” and I at what was clearly one of many social soirees at the BFI, do let me know.

That’s two, yo. But really, did anyone think a production operation as classy as Legendary Pictures would swap in Johnny Depp for a sequel? BLASPHEME. So you go right back to your next Tim Burton carnival of horrors project, Johnny. Right back.

The hell was I thinking?! That’s the BEST of ideas. Although as I mention, I can’t take credit for it. Joker-meets-Rosemary Kennedy was drunkenly gurgled out one summer on a buddy’s boat. A part of me thinks they should’ve canned David Goyer on this last one and just brought in a few cases of Bud Select.

So yeah, got waaay into Batman. My memory fails me but I recall my super-blazed self typing out the world’s most self-indulgent treatment of a sequel where Catwoman and Black Mask draw Batman out of seclusion. Black Mask provided a threat to Bruce Wayne not Batman, and Catwoman totally messed with boundaries between good and bad, all with the built-in luxury of replacing the ghost of Katie Holmes’ side smile. Because fuck that thing. Let this serve as public record of how right I was so come midnight I can sit back with a smug smirk on my face at all you mouth-breathers who thought Riddler would totally fit, man. EASE UP, NEWBS. Three years ago, I had like… 7% of this shit figured out.

I can still hold myself accountable, though. Here are a few predictions for The Dark Knight Rises. And none of them involve Hathaway side boob. Ya pervs:

1. Bruce Wayne will NOT die

Why? Just why? Death is an escape in these movies, not a noble end. Everyone who dies goes out like a punk, too. Most of them aren’t even fortunate enough to blow up in a massive train ‘splosion or fall off some scaffolding shit. You know what? Commissioner Loeb’s kind of a dick. For this next one, Joker should off him. With… ACID BRANDY.

2. Gotham WILL find out Bruce is Batman, proceed to crap its collective pants

Durr.

3. Bane knows the League of Shadows

I’ve written enough on this already, so double durr right thur.

4. “I will find you, and I will kill you. And also maybe make a cameo.”

I’m 97% percent sure on Ra’s being dead, but “Chris” likes his flashbacks and time jumps as much as the next director. Liam Neeson’s in this thing, albeit for minutes only.

5. ‘Miranda Tate’ my ass.

I don’t care if they change it to “Tandy” or “Tasha” or “Twiddley Twat,” but if Talia al Ghul ain’t bringing Gotham to its knees by reel 6, HEADS WILL ROLL.

6. Alfred or Lucius WILL die

This last one’s more of a shot in the dark but hey, we all take risks. Amiright, Sony? You better believe Christopher Nolan has the cajones to kill off Red or Muppets Scrooge. Stakes, man. Stakes.

One last thing. I’d be remiss in failing to mention IndieWire’s Matt Singer and a reference he made to a tweet from yours truly earlier this week:

Does minor Twitter fame last more or less than fifteen minutes? Please do read his update on the diarrhea-inducing saga of The Fanboys vs. The World.

As Joss Whedon saw to, the comic book movie genre now exists in a post-Avengers world, like it or not, and as Nolan’s movies take a bow and exit stage right, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious as to Batman’s direction in the future. At the same time, I think this stuff is beginning to tax my interests as of late. I’m just not as thrilled for a Bhor or Cap sequel as much as say, The Master this fall. But even if after all this hype The Dark Knight Rises turns about to be more Episode I than Episode V, this has been a tremendously thrilling four-year distraction. And now, all that’s left is waiting. 

MY BODY IS READY.

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