"The iTunes Store Could Not Process Your Request"

Like a lot of people, I prefer exercising with music.  Unlike… well virtually everyone who isn’t a complete douche nozzle, I like to throw in a selection from a movie soundtrack. Here are some worthy of gracing your Zune’s playlists. Please Note: None of these are from any Star Wars movie. For that alone, I deserve your attention:

“Molossus” – Batman Begins

Oh come on. Don’t act like you’re surprised by this one. Besides, it’s not who I am underneath, but how many crunches I do that defines me. I’ll even go out on a limb and say this is a much cooler theme than Danny Elfman’s. Why? Consider what would make better entrance music for a major league reliever. No brainer. I can almost hear the announcer now:

Ladies and gentlemen, posting a 6.27 ERA with 0 wins and 3 
saves through 32 opportunities this season… Joe Nathan!
Only kidding about the pitching of course. I’ve got more of a badminton frame anyway. A girl can still dream though, right?

“Like a Dog Chasing Cars” – The Dark Knight

From here on out, you can read “no Star Wars” as “a whole lotta comic book crap.” In all seriousness though, this track is the tits, an esteemed level of greatness that rests somewhere between “the shit” and “the bomb.” As proof, here’s a breakdown of what’s going through my head whenever this plays:

0:00  Why the fuck would anyone wake up this early to sweat all over a treadmill?  
0:25  Seriously what was I thinking? 9 A.M. on a Sunday? 
0:34  The early bird doesn’t get the worm.  He gets the hangover and a sweaty crotch.
0:58  I think that girl on the elliptical just winked at me.
1:02  Nope.  Definitely wasn’t a wink.  
1:04  Great.  Now she’s staring at you.
1:05  Quick, do something to make it less awkward.
1:07  Shouldn’t have waved at her.  Should not have waved.
1:37  Screw it.  I’m going home to play Wii Fit.  We’ll call it a wash.
1:53  Hold on… I’m not sure where this is going… but I like it.
2:11  Awww yeah.  
2:18  I’m totally making this half-mile my bitch.
2:27  Drums!  
2:31  Lots of drums! 
2:37  And strings?!
2:44  Woah. Feeling a bit dizzy.  Too bad I’m owning this run too much to give a crap!
2:50  I’m going fast!
2:51  Jesus H. it is hot in here.
2:52  Real fast!
2:53  Forget this pounding headache.  It’s like my feet arent even touching the treadmill… 

2:55 Am I levitating?
2:57  Oh my God. Oh my God. OH MY GOD

3:00  I’M DOING IT! HA HAAA!  AFTER ALL THE YEARS OF TORMENT, I’M FUCKING FLYING! I TOLD YOU MOTHER FU-


I usually pass out before the last third of the song, but you get the gist of it. And just because I haven’t  fully sucked off Christopher Nolan to climax yet, I’ll throw this in, if only because it totally blows my mind:

Mr. Zimmer, you complete me.

“Space Jam” – Space Jam 

I’m almost positive this was on our gym teacher’s Jock Jams CD. What a nostalgia trip. I remember dunking on so many kids to this back in junior high. And by “dunking on kids” I mean singing it to myself during band rehearsal.

“Lose Yourself” – 8 Mile

 
Didn’t see this one coming did ya? I’m a lot more sensitive than you might think. That’s why I listen to Eminem. So if Waka Flocka’s too high brow for you, this is a solid pump-up track. And let’s face it: an Eminem video is likely the only time white people can pull off the wife beater anyway.

“Rinzler” – Tron: Legacy

Speaking of great pump-up tunes, this one’s right up there, because the only thing cooler than a white rapper is a French electronica Disney soundtrack. I don’t remember where I was going with this.

One thing I am certain of is that Daft Punk definitely read a few pages from Hans Zimmer’s Film Soundtracks for Dummies. See Chapter 2: “So You’re Stuck With Epic Drums and An Overproduced Beat?”

“Derezzed” – Tron: Legacy

Ah, “Tron: Legacy.” A movie so nice, I… mention it on multiple occasions. So maybe the story didn’t hold up to the awesome visuals. On the plus side, your decision to pass on going to True Grit with your mom so you could pack the bong, load up the Hyundai and catch this sucker in 3D wasn’t completely wasted because the music was pretty dope, bro. In fact we can probably go ahead and throw this one alongside American Graffiti, Forrest Gump, and The Land Before Time XVI: The Big Shit on the list of soundtracks that exceed their cinematic counterparts

I’m not even sure what “the Grid” is, but if I keep pedaling at this pace I’m gonna throw up all over it.

“Requiem for a Tower” – Requiem for a Dream

This technically isn’t from “Requiem for a Dream,” but I’m almost positive you all stopped reading after I started talking about Batman. Either way, if you and your shakeweight aren’t feeling this, it doubles as a great song to shoot up to:

Twice the value at only half the arms!

I guess “Lux Aeterna,” Clint Mansell’s original composition, was beefed up, remixed into this and thrown behind a “Two Towers” trailer, hence the name. So if you really think about it, I’m doubly correct. Bite me!

Symphony No. 3 “Passacaglia” – Shutter Island

Chuck: “All I know is it’s a fitness center.”
Teddy: “… for the criminally insane.”
“Shipping Up to Boston” – The Departed

I know this wasn’t written for the movie, but don’t pretend like you even knew who these guys were before 2006. This also gives me an excuse to reference the single greatest line ever uttered by a Baldwin:

The best part about this song is that if you ever lose your ID at the rec center, you’ll sound great yelling to the desk worker “I just want my fackin’ identity back!”

“Immigrant Song” – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Mr. Fincher’s English language interpretation of the book isn’t out yet, and neither is this song, but I can still guarantee that this will be played repeatedly on future me’s iPod.  It already is actually, and since patience is easily the douchiest of all virtues, what better time to try out video2mp3 than now? 

Piracy may be illegal, but I’ll chalk up any lawsuits as future me’s problems (UPDATE: I did end up putting this full version on my iPod. Federal evasion remains successful)

Honorable mention: “Game of Thrones” Theme Song

I don’t care if it’s a TV show. It’s still great drama, dammit!

In fact, between finishing Stieg Larsson and A Clash of Kings, I’ve got some light heavy reading to do. Oh what? You don’t read? What are you, one of those fitness freaks or somethin? Huh? Go fack ya self!

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1 Comment

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One response to “"The iTunes Store Could Not Process Your Request"

  1. Personal favorite workout soundtrack selection.

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